Marls’s World

I can’t believe I’m letting this get over me after a long time. I won’t apologize for what I have said in the past as I stood up not only for myself but other people. I hurt and pretend to be strong just to walk among this group of people who are supposed to be called friends. I guess I know where I stand when it comes to them. It’s demeaning to me. I do things for a reason. I also know sometimes I just want to do things without a reason but deep down there is a rooted reason as consequences to my actions. So sue me already for that. After all, it’s only human! Punish me because I’m trying to stand strong. That is not right as I deserve the same righteousness as any one else. The least you so called friends could do is be honest enough to not hurt me. I can’t believe they want me to imply the “it’s Okay” attitude as obviously I couldn’t take it any more. That person did not face me so I deemed that person as invisible to me. I’m not going to apologize for being me as you don’t know what it’s like to be me. So leave me out as what you all are doing which is not so bad… but somehow I feel that is not all… There is more to it… And you so called friends will find me invisible to you as I’m but only human too. No more empathy from the both of you because I don’t want it. Leave me alone if that is what you want and are doing anyways. Don’t toy with me and my feelings. Leave them be. Go away!

04^th September 2008

I shouldn’t let you hurt me,

But, it doesn’t work.

I need to not feel what you said,

But it doesn’t work.

I need to be oblivious when you say things like I don’t care,

But it doesn’t work.

Each word that comes out of you hurts me deeper than it should.

I know I don’t deserve it,

I know you don’t really care,

But, somehow I wished you did.

I don’t know what is wrong with me,

Yet, I know I shouldn’t feel pity with myself,

But, I guess its ok since I won’t be seeing you anymore after a fortnight.

I’m sure it would be easy for you to forget me,

Even though it’s going to be hard for me.

I will miss you the most and yet you fail to realize that.

You treat me like I don’t deserve to be your friend.

I mistook you for one,

Something I shouldn’t have done.

Because I’m hurting so bad that I wished I was gone by now.

Why do you make me feel so bad to be me?

Why do you make me feel unworthy?

I should be able to not take in your words.

But, I somehow do not have the strength to do that.

And it hurts each time you fail to realize that.

I know what I did was wrong.

And I’m sorry

But, that is all I can say and to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.

But, I know I never did have you by me and that you are not going to let it be so.

For that, I will say bye to you and wish you the best as what my heart hopes for you.

P/s I hope you know who you are…. For you said it today just like other days

… 23^rd June 08

Look at me,

Tell me what you see,

For I am just like you,

Made of flesh and blood….

Then,

Why not give the chance

Of equality like the others have…

I want to be looked at and appreciated by you.

I’m of humanity too,

I’m of virtue,

I’m with a soft core, gentle like the petals of a rose bud.

Look through me,

Look through this optical illusion,

And you will see me..

Standing there waiting for you come,

Come and take my hand,

Listen to me for I would be your avid listener,

Your best friend in times of sadness and delight,

Let me stand by you,

Let me walk side by side with you,

Let me feel what it is like to be in your shoes,

I know we come from different roots,

Just like the sky and earth,

But, like the sky and earth,

They compliment each other,

And so can us…

I long to feel your presence,

And as the day passes by,

I feel you floating away

For I have no string of attraction

To keep you by my side,

And soon, we will be on different plateau,

Yet you are coming so near and I choose to be so far…

Forgive me for I choose this path since I was naïve…

Since the days of me blooming into a Red rose…

Don’t be fooled for I’m still blossoming,

I wish I could just have you somehow..

Just have you here by me…

Even a tough girl needs someone to lean on sometimes…

Tough is just an illusion I used to get by,

But, my inner heart and soul still remains fragile like always.

Let me in, Let me share your world,

Let me see what you see,

Don’t judge me based on where I come from,

Just accept me for who I am.

I know this is a very late update about my holiday. Oh well, Let just say I had a good Holiday. My sister finally finished up her studies and came. Unlucky for me, I had to wait a whole 2 weeks before I could give her a good BEAR hug…lolz…Indeed I had my hands all geared up to pinch her chubby cheeks…hehehe… It was really fantastic to see everyone cramped up at home especially with my mum extending the kitchen, where all the MAGIC HAPPENS in making us prosperous (Big and round healthy giants of Taman Melawati)….hahaha…Hmm, I was back in time for my paps birthday, and we had a sit-in dinner at La Bodega, Bangsar. One word: Superb! The food there was just mouth-watering. I had salmon and my dad’s lamb shank was utterly fabulous!

                                                                      Lamb Shank

                                                                          Salmon

We sat there enjoying our food. To compliment our dishes, we had red wine. Alfred, my second brother brought it when he was in Italy and decided to open it on my pap’s birthday. It had a good texture to it. Double taste with the sweetness of grapes and a pinch of bitter added to it. Its name was Castello Di Fonterutoli

We sat there; talked and laughed and enjoyed the food and each other’s company. Suddenly, came in waiters singing their lungs out to my paps. We were surprised it happened. Indeed the service was fantastic. They asked us for desert and we did say we had a cake waiting at home for my paps. And indeed they were fast enough to react in setting desert plates for everyone instead of the sugar culprits who were me and my sister at that moment ordering yummy blueberry crumble and custard!

We about to wrapped out things when the chef came in and invited us to a cocktail opening for a La Bodega outlet opening in The Pavilion. We all got special invites but unfortunately I had to be back in University… sobbing

Overall, I would say it was certainly a good dinner with people who I keep close to my heart, locked inside the very core. ~smiles~

Later we did manage to light up my paps Black and White birthday cake from Alexis. It was delicious. White chocolate coated sponge cake with chocolate fudge inside oozing out as my paps sliced it…YUMMY!!! Even my dogs were invited to join in the celebration! Hahaha… =D

To all the chocolate cake lovers out there, this cake is certainly worth to be in your list of types of cakes to try! =D

A wonderful ending to a great day!

Uncertainty clouds my mind

Vagueness seems surreal…

Thinking thoughts that aren’t answerable

Only questions of deep illusion…

Am I as paranoid as I think?

Or is it my ponderous mind

Walking all over the details

That shattered my heart

With daggers that’s blunt…

Melancholy seems like a habit these days

As low as the tides do I feel

But is it a norm?

I long to feel naked

As naked as the ocean

Readable by your eyes

I long the sweet kisses, soft touch and caressing of the cheek…

Is it so wrong?

I long for my love…

But, I’m in bafflement…

Does he long for me?

Why do I feel so insecure?

Why do I feel like I’m in the battle with axes….

Yet I’m not supposed to be….

As I’m unequipped with rightful armory…love

How did he utter words like those?

Made my feelings tangled

Am I a passer by?

Am I nobody?

Is it so easy to pick and go?

Just like those sharp words

I have feelings too…

Tears of sorrow fled my heart

Not knowing how to stop…

Am I living a lie?

Marls

Fuzzy and squashy,

Is how I describe my feelings when you are around me…

The slightest vision of you makes me fumble

And go weak all around like jelly,

Plucking the courage with what’s left

Just to put up a brave front,

To ensure a good impression is always set.

Wanting to please your beautiful eyes and ears…

With what god gave me…

Your hair is like strands of fine silk,

Envious is I who

Wish to sweep my fingers through them.

Jealous am I of your girlfriend…

But, who is she?

Sad am I when I don’t meet your wants and needs.

Sad is I who am neither here nor there to go forward.

Sad is I who does not have the chance of this game.

Sad is I who does not have such welcoming response.

Patience is a virtue,

But, I mellow in my wobbly feelings.

The longer I wait,

The more I loose myself,

Just waiting to be given a chance.

For something I had not even been given the key to unlock the door.

Why?

I guess I’m not of such propriety

For you to fall for.

Why O’ why…

Was not I blessed with the beauty of charm?

That could swift you into my arms.

I know I must go on for there is not much for me.

As there are not enough clues for me to dig deeper into you soul.

Relate to you is why I did fall you for you.

You simple openness and understanding

With much value of respect

Gave such hopes of finding someone

Who can accept me for my diversity…

My difference, my values, my feelings,

Or simply just me as a whole.

I like you to the deepest of roots.

But, you will never know it for it’s buried in my soulful spirit core.

Always burning a torch for you.

Amazing people

All around the world they conquered

True to their hearts

They fought for the beloved fortresses

With all their might

When we were but none

Yet, nowadays,

We are all living lies

Lies of bribery and corruptions

Have our values faded away from us

Like the stars floating away in this mighty universe

Why do speak unscrupulously…

Is it the way of the so called more dominant society

Have our forefather’s values deteriorated among us all?

We should fight a true fight

Learn the ways of our beloved ancestors

Inculcating values that is adaptable

In this prosperous outlook of a society

We called!

Learn to stand and fight for the greater goodness

Life has to offer many great wonders

Love, Integrity, Believes, Diverse Culture is but a few

With this,

Then only are we entitled to called ourselves

A Civilized society…

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered;
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, and always perseveres.
Love never fails.

See me please,

Accept me,

I maybe different…unique,

It’s that so wrong,

Why?

Don’t avoid me,

Treat me like a friend

That’s all I long for,

I saw something in you,

Something I fell for,

I like the way you respect others

I like the way you treat others

I merely ask for the same respect

And bond

Why?

Am I not good enough?

Am I not pure enough?

Please don’t be prejudice

Please be the person whom I saw

And learn to like.

Now, I just want to leave you,

I don’t want be there with you,

You hurt me so,

All ask for is the same treatment you gave others,

Why did you go all weird on me?

All I asked for is for you to….

Accept me as me….

Why?

Is it wrong that I’m who I am?

Why can’t I be loved for me?

Why does race or religion play such a huge role?

Why can’t I be me and still be adore by you?

Why can’t you simply accept me for me?

I did you for as you did for the rest.

Am I so wrong for you?

Am I just too strong?

I want to be liked even though I’m assertive.

Is that too hard to ask for?

I like you for you

Why can I be liked too by you?

See me,

See my true identity,

See how lovely I am,

See how I’m willing to listen to you,

See how I want you,

Just to look at me and say hi,

Make my day,

Make it bright and shinny.

Make me laugh and smile

Look me in the eyes,

Let me be a friend.

That’s all I asked for.